(read as an infomercial narrator)
Do you have a bunch of lousy old gold cluttering up your house? Are you tired of stubbing your toes on gold bars? Are your kids choking on gold necklaces and bracelets scattered all over the floors? Well get rid of that pesky gold now. Aaron Peta will buy it from you for pennies on the dollar. Are your closets and storage rooms filled up with heavy clunky annoying Good Delivery bars? Are the floors in your house bowing and sagging due to the weight of all the damn crappy gold? Well consider this. A Good Delivery bar usually goes for around five or six hundred thousand dollars. But Aaron Peta will buy it from you for only twenty five dollars. That’s right, twenty five dollars. That’s pennies on the dollar. Think of how much of a savings that is for Aaron. I mean who has the time to look for buyers, no one is going to pay half a million dollars for your lousy old beat up bummed out solid gold. And the paperwork, and legal certifications. You deserve to be relaxing on an inland northern lake beach drinking a mock Shirley Temple, not pacing around your house worrying about and tripping over all that preposterous insufferable gold. Come on you lousy bum, what are you waiting for, get off your butt and get rid of that terrible useless heavy gold. Aaron buys coins and watches too. For each solid gold coin Aaron will pay you twenty five cents. That’s right, twenty five cents. That’s one real American Quarter for your tired annoying burdensome gold coins. Lighten your load, get rid of that annoying shiny old gold! Nobody wants it around anymore. Don’t delay, call now! Your family will thank you for it, and it will be really really really good for Aaron’s quickly escalating wealth! Just think of the children.
Call 844-BUM-GOLD now! (Or just tweet me.)
(Yeah definitely tweet me, that’s a fake number*, I didn’t register it, I just put it up there to make the ad copy look more glamorous.)
(*Fake number… But I really actually will buy your genuine gold off you at those prices, no questions asked.)
(or make me an offer, I might even go lower… can you believe it!)
(Could you imagine selling me a 400oz bar of solid gold for like five dollars! Don’t miss your chance.)